Feeling so tired

I got caught drinking again. It feels better to come clean about it. I'm tired of being a drunk mess. It takes so much energy to be a functional alcoholic. Please don't do what I did when faced with this genocide reality. Its so hard. You just want to push it aside. Don't fall into the self medication trap. Its a trap and it will fuck you! Christ I am still so fucked up and I try not to do the "drunk posting" thing. I smashed a glass thing and picked through the glass to find something worthy, something with a cutting edge, because concerned relatives already emptied my gun closet and took them away. I'm bleak as hell right now. I want to be ethered. something where I can go away but I won't fuck up my family by doing it. But thats selfish. I'm a communist. I can't do that to myself because I don't want it to bounce back on other people. Communism is why I don't slouch and let myself slide into these pits. I need to be here for the rest of y'all. The hiding takes so much energy away from myself. I'm so tired of the selfish act of nipping a bott;e. Im very sorry but theres nowhere else to post it

I hope I helped somebody else laugh. Like when you re-read what I wrote I was just trying to have a positive energy or I was doing a bit

I read awhile that they call these things "deaths of despair." for whatits worth I get that. I finally get that. But we aren't alone. Im fucked up but I won't be part of that grim tally. I refuse that.