coming to terms with that i probably have ptsd from surgery

every single person involved failed me on that day - i'm including myself

• my therapist failed me the week of
• my surgeon or anyone at the hospital never really asked one last time if this is what i wanted
• my friends fucking pushed back on me when i said i'm not doing it
• and i didn't believe in myself when i had my last chance to say no

i have nightmares about this. i think about this every day and have to take time to recover from it. currently catching my breath from sobbing bc i tried to explain how i felt to someone trying to understand (and doing their best)

i feel like i'm in a never ending nightmare about this and everyone wants to to take my time for their sake

i'm wrote a fucking suicide note last week. it's a through, proper note. i have a plan now. i'm like ready to go when things are too much. i'm going to push towards phallo, but like holy fuck can't somebody just trust me? i'm like so broken and barely stringing days together anymore

there are no resources for trans girls who want to undo vaginoplasty and not detrans. there's nothing. i'm alone and i'm so fucking broken